Matt in Calgary

Surviving Calgary: 101 By Professor Matteo

• Don’t take it personally. They treat everyone like that
• Don’t feed a Calgarian after midnight, nor get them wet
• Don’t apologize. It’s a sign of weakness
• Just because you were in line first, doesn’t mean a whole lot here
• When you encounter a Calgarian in it’s natural habitat, do not look it straight in the eye…if a Male Calgarian charges towards you, crouch down and roll your shoulders in a submissive nature
• Don’t show your teeth to a Calgarian
• Don’t assume that they know how to drive.. things like rules of the road, speed limits and lanes are only nice suggestions
• Wear extra padding when walking in public or crossing streets… it will help when you hit the hood of a Calgarian’s car and hit their windshield
• Don’t imitate a Male Calgarian by beating on your chest. It may take that as a challenge and charge towards you and attack
• Don’t expect customer service at the malls or at restaurants
• Pepper spray has been proven as an effective Calgarian deterrent. Wear it on your belt like you would a pistol. There's NO time to get it from your pack once you're in trouble. Don't hang around after you've sprayed a Calgarian. Once the initial shock has worn off, Calgarians have been known to ENJOY licking the pepper residue off themselves!
• Never say you are from Ontario.. . they don’t like you, and they never will
• Beware of Cougars! They are usually females between the ages of 35 and 60 and they can be very aggressive. Cougars have been known to take down prey four times their own weight
• Never complain about the weather when the temperature gets down to -30C. It will get colder
• Calgarians can not park their vehicles. If you must drive and leave your car outside in a parking lot, try to park as far away from any Calgarian as possible.
• When a Calgarian tells you that they live in a “large, metropolitan world class city” just bite your lip and nod
• When walking in town, be on the look out for signs of Calgarians such as tracks, claw marks, puke in the street, or torn up stumps and trees, bedding and den sites, kills, etc.
• If you see a Calgarian:
• Stop, stand still a moment, and stay calm
• If the Calgarian is already aware of you, help it to identify you as a human being. Talk in low tones, and use simple English and slowly wave your arms. It may then leave. Staying upwind will help it to smell you.
• Do NOT run from a Calgarian or Cougar unless you are sure you can reach a safe place. Both can run faster than humans even when heavily intoxicated.
• Don’t tell a Calgarian you are gay, it’s worse than being an Ontarian.
• The Largest collection of white trash in the world occurs once a year for a two week period in the summer month of July. Although the World Health Organization has assessed that this period is relatively safe. Take all necessary precautions.. Remember, you are the visitor in its home, and the Calgarian is only doing what Calgarians do
• If you are a minority. Take extra precautions. Make sure someone knows where you are going and when you plan to return
• You can cross the street anywhere, anytime here, even on major 3 lane freeways
• Don’t laugh at the ugly ones, it’s the years of inbreeding
• Don’t look for culture… like most plants in a desert, it wont survive

posted by matt @ 10:14 PM

Grey’s Anatomy – Calgary style

Well after working nights and discovering Facebook… I have noticed heaps of my friends really really really like this show called Grey’s Anatomy (GA)…. And so I thought I would take you through my typical day in a real hospital… cause my only beef with shows like GA or ER is that they never show the nurses.. who are the TRUE heroes of any hospital…

***

After working nights with only one day off.. I was back on Days… and working at FMC (foothills medical centre) one of Canada’s largest acute care facilities with over 1000 beds…and where I was on rounds….

Just the drive into work this morning was crazy enough…. Driving in Calgary is like a mix of Driving in Montreal, Texas and Tokyo combined into one… no one really follows any driving rules.. and those lines in the middle of the road provide no guidance to the red necks here… after being nearly run off the road a few times… I slipped and slided my car into the hospital parking lot…. I went thru the side entrance and walked thru the back of Emerg and down this long hallway to get to the main part of the hospital…

I like to take this way.. cause one can gauge how the day is going to be.. based on the walk thru this long hallway… we call the hallway “ Paramedic alley”….

Its basically a 100m long narrow hallway with tons of stretchers for the patients that come into the hospital in an Ambulance and some chairs for the paramedics as they wait to be seen by a doctor..…and here at FMC… this hallway is usually jammed packed with patients on stretchers…

I really feel for these people as they can wait for hours and get no privacy as tons of people walk down the hallway….**note there are some really HOT paramedics in Calgary**wink wink

There have been some days where I see the same patients in paramedic alley at the start and end of my shift…

And today… paramedic alley was only half full…

I continued my long trek to the other end of FMC - the walk from one end of the hospital to the other can usually take 15 minutes….and when I got into the room where I report into… no one even acknowledged my presence even though I said “morning.. and greeted each person”…..** *cgy is one of the rudest cities so I don’t take it personally anymore**

I wrote my name and pager number on the white board.. and waited for the other CSI I was rounding with…when he finally arrived…instead of greeting me with a hello he just gave me some updates from ER.. and said he was going to round in Emerg and ICU and I should round the rest of the hospital…

So I responded with dripping sarcasm “cool a 90/10 spilt of the hospital seems cool” but I don’t think he picked up on my **Little Britain**British sarcasm…

As I set out for a day of rounding this huge hospital alone… I got my first page of the day..and quickly skipped off to Surgery..Yes I do actually skip when I walk down the halls.. and sometimes even sing too..but I usually do it when im rounding in Mental Health…

When I got to the nurses station in the surgical unit… I was greeted by a wall of discontent on every RNs face. and after being scowled at for 2 minutes by this irate nurse…I told her to shut it.. and then proceeded to help her clean up the patient’s charts…. Its funny how mean nurses can be not only to me but also to each other… but after I patiently sat with her with a big smile on my face to show her what she was doing wrong… she completely turned around and was thanking me and gave me a chocolate… it was soo BI-polarish…its not even funny..

Im getting great exercise when I do rounds.. cause I take the stairs…and the main building at FMC has 12 floors and the secondary building has 5 floors..

My calves are going to be sexy as.. and I should be ready to climb any mountain this summer…

As I was going down the stairs.. I ran into my own Dr. McDreamy… omg this resident is soooooo hot… he is not very tall but very compact well built…. blond hair blue eyes.. and WOW he kinda looks like Chris Mabee or the guy Blake on this season of American Idol …… he was one of the physicians I taught back in the summer.. and the whole time in class I would look into his eyes and just completely melt..and this one time he asked me a question in class while I was standing behind him.. and I went to grab his mouse to show him something on the computer I accidentally touched his hand.. and when I did that our heads were so close…and when our eyes met.. we had this total “sex in the city” moment..and my skin went all flush and the hair on my arms went all tingly like I got an electric shock

** as much as I try to keep professional that was one WOW moment…** so since that class… I have weekly run ins with Dr. Hottie McHottie…. And each time I run into him I cant get enough courage to talk to him or even say hi….or even manage a Neanderthal grunt…

I have seen him in the physician lounge several times.. and each time I have seen him… I quickly look away… I don’t know why I cant seem to talk …

Well today.. like 6 months after that class… I run into him in the stairway.. and this time our eyes met…and of course it had to me the moment I was skipping down the stairs like the biggest fag ever…Dr. hottie mc hottie.. approached me.. and said….

Get this….he said… Hello…

Well I must have gone a soo red… cause the other dr who was with him.. said.. wow man you’re red …

Anyways.. after a few awkward seconds which seemed like an eternity… Dr. Hottie asked if I wanted to grab lunch one day…

I said yes…. At least I think I did…im not sure if I responded in English or not… but anyways… being hospital employees we didn’t exchange phone number but instead exchanged pager numbers..** u have to work in healthcare to understand***everything is done on pager…

The moment after we parted ways… I fell down a flight of stairs….

Not to worry though… after all the car accidents I can do a flight of stairs headfirst better than inspector Clueseau any day…

** after that I didn’t remember much for a few hours… although I did run into a total cutie Rob which is fun… its great to fun into friends at work…

my final page of the day…. Came for a doctor in palliative care who was upset about something…

so off I skipped to that unit…and the moment I walked thru the doors.. I felt like I was ambushed by the meanest doctor ever…

in front of everyone including staff, patients and visitors… she started to yell and was so mad at me and tearing me new holes I never knew a human could have… this was one pissed off doctor…sailors would have blushed at the language she used…

… Apparently she was upset because she wasn’t able to order any labs or medications for this one patient…..

I let her continue to spew some wicked Exocercist-like phrases at me.. before I finally said… “ok lets see how I can help ya”

When I pulled up her patient on the computer to see why she wasn’t able to order anything … I took a look at the chart… and said to her

“mam’ your patient is dead… that’s why the computer wont let u put orders in.... it figures he probably doesn’t need pain medication anymore”

well the look on her face was classic…. Instead of apologizing to me…she got even madder and said.. well the systems still stupid and so are you

well.. even though I may be stupid to her… or an ugly son of a bitch cock to her… I have a lunch date with Dr. Hottie mc Hottie..

I will let you know how it goes… hopefully we won’t have to do any stairs on the date… and you know.. nothing says romantic meal.. than hospital cafeteria food..

posted by matt @ 10:06 PM

Drinking with red necks

Hi

Hope all is well back home...
I hear winter has finally come to Ontario... which is funny cause its actually been warming up here lately... like in the ( -5 to -2C range) which is really balmy for Calgary

I am finally getting a new digital phone installed this week which means I will get unlimited calls in North America and 1000 free minutes to Australia...

so I promise to call more often... including those down under... :)

things with Sueize ( my new roommate) are going well.... she is definitely not as clean and tidy as Superstar Jobelle....but then again Jobelle and I did share the tiniest broom closet of a flat in Tokyo... so we kinda had to keep it clean to keep the giant asian cockroaches away...

the new pad is looking awesome....I got a cheap dining room table for $15 ( yes I am cheap) but it actually looks cool with a nice table cloth and fresh floral arrangement... and I have enlarged tons of my pictures from my adventures in Japan, Melbourne and even some from back home.. made them B&W and got nice frames... and the pad is starting to look very urban chic.... I still haven't bought a bed yet... instead I got a foosball table ( yes I know I am crazy... at least I know where my priorities are)

We are working hard and playing even harder out here.... the hospital has us on call 24/7 now and Im usually there 12- 14 hours a day.. they even gave me a FOB ( an electronic security key devices that has a series of numbers that change from a satellite every 15 seconds).. which I use from my home laptop.. to access patients charts and even remote into any computer in the hospital and help doctors order thier medications)....I know it sounds crazy... but I am enjoying parts of my job... I got see an emergency C section, heart transplant which was totally awesome... way better than anything you would see on Grays Anatomy or ER....

and as for the parties...we are only steps away from the hottest night clubs in town.... so when you come to visit... we will definitely go for a drink with the red necks.

Last weekend.. we had quite the party..... Sueize went to one bar with her friends and I went to another... and we all ended up back at our apartment... and everyone crashed at our place... and in the morning... I woke up and there were people on our floor who I didnt know... and didnt think anything of it... so I made everyone breakfast...... and when Sueize woke up... she asked me who my friends were, referencing those people who just ate... and I said
" I dont know I thought they were your friends" and she said " no I thought they were yours"

***** at the very least I got to feed some strangers... and who knows maybe they are like stray cats... if I keep feeding them they might jsut keep coming back...


Love Matt ~

posted by matt @ 8:23 PM

Winter in Banff

BIG HUGS and 3 SNAPS

posted by matt @ 4:15 PM

My Guardian Angel

I dont know how spiritual you are.. or how I am but after what happened this week.. I think I am ready to believe

its been super cold up here in Cgy with the temperature falling to below minus 20 at night... and my flatmates have this annoying rule that the furnace goes off at 11 when everyone goes to bed...

so KC ( a cool friend) lent me his electric blanket that I snuck into my house and have been using for the past few weeks..

well last Thursday I was snuggled up under the blanket and at 11 the house began to freeze... kinda like in the movie "The Day After Tommorow" I could literally feel and see the rapid cooling in the house.. but I was all toasty under the duvet and electric blanket and doze off all peacefully

I had a dream about my Grandma (Momma was what we called her for those who dont know) and I cant remember the last time I have ever dreamed about Momma.... its been a while since she had passed away... and I remember feeling bad that I wasnt able to afford to come back to her funeral.. but for the weeks that she was ill I would pray every night at a 1400 yr old temple by my old apt in Shimousa Nakayama - Japan.. ( pic included)

anyways.. in the dream Momma was sitting in a big arm chair at my Aunt Roseanne's house.. and by her feet was Amber ( my aunt's deceased ShihtZu) and they were both looking at me with a big smile... and Momma kept saying " Get up... Get up.. Matt get up"... in a very calming voice... and then all of a sudden my Aunt appeared beside Momma and they were both asking me very calmly and quietly to "get up".. it was soo sureal... because I knew I was dreaming...

and I woke up... and looked around.. and of course was all groggy...and as my eyes started to focus. I noticed my room was lit up and very bright... and I thought to myself "im sure I turned my lights off"

and then I noticed a flicker and looked down.... and

MY BED WAS ON FIRE>... there were flames on me... my Duvet Cover was engulfed in flames from the waste down

so I quickly jumped into the air.. and with the upper part of the duvet I put the flames out....
and pulled the electric cord out of the socket.. and ran the sheets, and bedding outside and thew them in the snow..

and then quickly went back.. and threw a big glass of water on the mattress just in case
...well talk about crazy...

my room still now smells like a fire..

I had to get all new bedding and a mattress...

that day when I went to work I could still smell the fire,,, everything smelt like burnt bed...

all the doctors were making fun of me...saying.. that the Evil Nurse Hatchet (me) is soo evil that I cant even burn...
a really cute resident gave me a check up and said I would be smelling the burning bed for several days as the smoke got into my nose and lunges.. crazy eh?

im so glad im ok...its soo amazing that I came out with not one scratch or mark except for the smoke inhalation... I cant believe how much smoke damage I did to my room.. and the front yard looks soo funny now.. you can totally tell where the burnt duvet and bed sheets melted in the snow.

I have to say a big thank you to Momma, Aunt Roseanne and Amber.... If I hadn't woken up at the moment... im sure I wouldn't be here to write about this.. and nor would my roomates..

HUGS

posted by matt @ 4:52 PM

Moving to Internal Medicine - Hematology

Well things up here in the artic keep changing on dime of a hat...

One day I went into the mall and it was nice and sunny out... and when I came out there was 8 inches of snow .. Calgary truly has some crazy weather...
and on the work front... These keep changing.. I wont be teaching in the classroom a lot anymore... They are moving me to provide unit support for the Internal Medicine units... More specifically for Hematology... Which is an interesting move since I don't know a whole lot about diseases of the blood but I am sure I will learn heaps and heaps..

its been a bit confusing at work lately... Cause in the matter of a few hours people's expectations about what my job entails changes frequently... But I keep on smiling and rolling with the punches... When someone tells me what they want me to do... I just say.. Sure sure its all "Written in Jello"... cause I know if I give them a few minutes it will all change..
There has been a lot of tension at work lately,,, we have had several units on shut down due to a Norwalk outbreak, staff shortages, and tons of Medication errors...and lots of finger pointing...

but I cant complain as I was the one who trotted off to this frozen land to peruse a new career....I have learned how with my shaved head and how I carry myself and walk into a room with strength and purpose .. It can really earn me a bit more respect than being the "nice, smiling guy".....I had a meeting with this one truly nasty PCM (Patient Care Manager)... she had short cropped hair like me and looked like a bulldog...well the meeting went on for a good hour.. and she was arguing with me over different things.. and after 45 minutes of ripping into me about new EMAR protocols... she looked me str8 in the eyes.. and said..


I truly miss Circles and the amazing group of people there... we had some amazing potlucks..

I think my Sunday dinner parties are turning into a bust...we have two new roommates... and the one east indian dude thinks that I am suppose to buy the food, prepare it, cleanup and do the dishes for him while he sits there and makes "ed bundy-ish comments"...and well you know what sort of things I would have to say to someone like that... I totally understand its part of his culture..but its annoying,.... Especially when he finished off the Banana Cream Pie I made from scratch and no one else gets to have a piece.,,

but I am loving to cook and bake and I do it every day now.... its the one thing I do that helps centre and relaxes me...Im even thinking of investing in a Kitchenaide Mixer...crazy I know but I think its better than doing Crack or starting to drink...

It has been a Winter Wonderland here... and it is very pretty... with all the trees, houses and people covered in snow...Calgary can be very postcard pretty... but the one thing that is hard to adjust to.. is that they dont plow or salt the roads, walkways or parking lots here...only on the mainroads do they throw down gravel rocks.. which totally destroy ones' windshield..
I bought myself some really good winter tires figuring they would useful up here in Calgary... and although they are great on the ice... (note: we dont get patches of black ice so much as entire roads of black ice) the new tires dont do a whole lot since the snow is never removed... and when the snow freezes at night.. it becomes rock solid and driving in the city becomes more like off-roading up in the mountains... my house is the only place I have seen anywhere in the city that has its driveway and sidewalk sholved and salted... with being run over by cars and slipping on the ice... im bound to have a broken hip soon enough

On the dating front.. I have not yet thrown in the towel.. as I am meeting tons of really cool people... and one guy in particular has got my eye... we have done a lot of baking together... he is a total sweetie,... drives a pick up truck, loves his hockey.. your typical small town corn fed Albertan...I just fear we are turning into good friends than rather boyfriends... which is cool too... as I think I really do need to start making good friends here as I wont be able to drive home till Calgary thaws out again in the Spring.. but I will be home for Christmas for sure.. for two weeks..
still trying to figure out what days I can get off and for how long...

also I have been debating.. should I just write off this whole "dating" thing.. maybe just get a dog... I know they are tons of work... but one of the nurses I work with.. is in her 60s and still practicing.. and she has been married 3 times.. and she keeps saying,,, "

posted by matt @ 9:45 PM

BBQing up here in the artic

pic was taken Oct 29 2006

we had steak, chicken, burgers and giant yams on the barbie

I did it in the snow... it was -12C out and we had 8cm of snow... but oh so much fun
I know Jobelle and Phillip in Australia would love to see a true Canuk Barbie... I dont have a winter coat yet so I am wearing 3 sweaters a vest.. and 2 pairs of pants and long johns to keep warm

posted by matt @ 8:55 PM