Sunday, February 25, 2007

Surviving Calgary: 101 By Professor Matteo

  • Don’t take it personally. They treat everyone like that
  • Don’t feed a Calgarian after midnight, nor get them wet
  • Don’t apologize. It’s a sign of weakness
  • Just because you were in line first, doesn’t mean a whole lot here
  • When you encounter a Calgarian in it’s natural habitat, do not look it straight in the eye…if a Male Calgarian charges towards you, crouch down and roll your shoulders in a submissive nature
  • Don’t show your teeth to a Calgarian
  • Don’t assume that they know how to drive.. things like rules of the road, speed limits and lanes are only nice suggestions
  • Wear extra padding when walking in public or crossing streets… it will help when you hit the hood of a Calgarian’s car and hit their windshield
  • Don’t imitate a Male Calgarian by beating on your chest. It may take that as a challenge and charge towards you and attack
  • Don’t expect customer service at the malls or at restaurants
  • Pepper spray has been proven as an effective Calgarian deterrent. Wear it on your belt like you would a pistol. There's NO time to get it from your pack once you're in trouble. Don't hang around after you've sprayed a Calgarian. Once the initial shock has worn off, Calgarians have been known to ENJOY licking the pepper residue off themselves!
  • Never say you are from Ontario.. . they don’t like you, and they never will
  • Beware of Cougars! They are usually females between the ages of 35 and 60 and they can be very aggressive. Cougars have been known to take down prey four times their own weight
  • Never complain about the weather when the temperature gets down to -30C. It will get colder
  • Calgarians can not park their vehicles. If you must drive and leave your car outside in a parking lot, try to park as far away from any Calgarian as possible.
  • When a Calgarian tells you that they live in a “large, metropolitan world class city” just bite your lip and nod
  • When walking in town, be on the look out for signs of Calgarians such as tracks, claw marks, puke in the street, or torn up stumps and trees, bedding and den sites, kills, etc.
  • If you see a Calgarian:
          • Stop, stand still a moment, and stay calm
          • If the Calgarian is already aware of you, help it to identify you as a human being. Talk in low tones, and use simple English and slowly wave your arms. It may then leave. Staying upwind will help it to smell you.
          • Do NOT run from a Calgarian or Cougar unless you are sure you can reach a safe place. Both can run faster than humans even when heavily intoxicated.
  • Don’t tell a Calgarian you are gay, it’s worse than being an Ontarian.
  • The Largest collection of white trash in the world occurs once a year for a two week period in the summer month of July. Although the World Health Organization has assessed that this period is relatively safe. Take all necessary precautions.. Remember, you are the visitor in its home, and the Calgarian is only doing what Calgarians do
  • If you are a minority. Take extra precautions. Make sure someone knows where you are going and when you plan to return
  • You can cross the street anywhere, anytime here, even on major 3 lane freeways
  • Don’t laugh at the ugly ones, it’s the years of inbreeding
  • Don’t look for culture… like most plants in a desert, it wont survive


posted by matt @ 10:14 PM